So, lately, I've noticed something about myself. As my dear friend Libby would say, I have "asshole syndrome." As a result of this "syndrome," I tend to push away the people who treat me with the most kindness and choose to spend my time with those who don't treat me with any TLC. This really is most apparent with my relationships to men.
A little dating history:
I was genuinely not interested in dating during high school. I dated some, but nothing serious - mostly just long-term flirtations. I did not date freshman or sophomore year of college - though not for lack of desire. I suppose I kind of lost my groove. I just didn't feel that I was good-looking enough, charming enough, deserving enough of love. Junior year, I decided to throw caution to the wind and actually start dating again. This is when the symptoms of my Asshole Syndrome began to surface. I would spend all of my time and energy on men who treated me like dirt. No matter how much my friends would tell me that I deserved better than this, I couldn't pull myself away. In fact, the more friends encouraged me to leave these Assholes in the dust, the more I was drawn to them. I couldn't help myself. I just convinced myself that this was as good as it could get.
The summer after my junior year, I tried to find nice men. I tried to keep myself away from these Assholes and cure my Syndrome. I did meet a nice man ... but then he moved, and I went right back to my old ways. Then in my senior year of college (which wrapped up just a few short months ago), I began to date nice men again. Which brings me to the worst mistake I've made in my dating life.
In April of this year, I met the nicest man I've ever been with. Sweet, kind, good-looking, caring, intelligent, funny ... the list goes on. But after a month and a half, I ended things. Why? Why would I do something like that? I thought I didn't want something serious - that I wanted to be in a casual relationship where there was no pressure. Of course, now I've realized that what I had with him totally freaked me out. It was something that could actually turn into a "real" relationship, where he would actually get to know me. I suppose I've just never really had anybody treat me as if that was something I deserved - until him. So, naturally, I'm totally beating myself up over giving up the best thing that ever happened to me.
I think, at the end of the day, there is something deep down inside of me that believes that I don't really deserve love. That I'm meant to always be on the outside looking in. I sincerely hope this can change because I don't want to be this person anymore - this person that pushes away the people that care about her and never takes the leap with someone who does.
Until then, I'll just write my blog and try to figure this all out.
